you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
