Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
