You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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