In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
