it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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