My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
