so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
