i don't like sucking hair
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
