eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
