You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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