I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
