Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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