none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
