this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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