so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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