Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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