Apparently you make a good broom.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
