i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
