I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
