bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
