She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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