well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
