I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
