I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
