Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
