It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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