I wish I could teleport
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
