When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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