I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
