i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
