I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
how do flat chested girls get laid?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
