my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize