Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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