You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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