I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
