first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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