Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
