last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
