I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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