i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
