She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
