so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
God, I missed his penis.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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