I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
