I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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