I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize