Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
