I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
