Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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