So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
