I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
