I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish you could order shots online.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
