My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I could make wine with my vomit
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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