Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
In America we eat man semen.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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