the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
