Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
