well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
