Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
